A number of people, notably Viviane Reding, the European Commissioner for Information Society and Media, have been asking about how to Break The Internet. Since Mme Reding seems to have absolutely no prior experience in the Information Technology, Computing or Telecommunications industries, I have prepared this brief HOWTO.
1. Declare the creation of a new Root Zone.
This is the easy bit - all you have to do is spout great volumes of hot air at a conference in Geneva, and then storm out in a huff when other people refuse to take you seriously. Then you get the PFY who services your photocopier to declare the creation of a new European Root Zone! Hooray!
2. Build the network of Root Servers.
This is somewhat more difficult. What you really need to do is get some ISPs and universities to agree to host a root server. Unfortunately, the people who work at these institutions have an overdeveloped sense of their own competence, what with all those years of experience, PhDs in Engineering and Computing, and having helped build the Internet in the first place (perish the thought that technologists have a better understanding of technology than you! After all, you have a doctorate in "Human Sciences"! Science! That's better than technology!). So you have two options to persuade them to cooperate: Bludgeon Them With Bureaucracy, or Bribe Them With Cold, Hard Cash. The choice of which option is left as an exercise for the reader.
3. Establish your Oversight Body.
Of course, it wouldn't be a proper, multi-lateral institution without an Oversight Body, with lots of committees and sub-committees and working groups and all that stuff - after all, your friends and relatives need jobs too! And those ICANN types get to go on nice junkets to exotic places three times a year, so you should do that too. Then let China be the chair of the freedom of expression Working Group, and let Iran look after the anti-terrorism group! Now all you need to do is get Switzerland to oversee Maritime DNS policies, and you're set!
4. Create the Root Zone File.
This is the fun part! You get to decide what goes in and what stays out. I suppose .COM, .NET and .ORG will have to stay, but why would any self-respecting European, Chinese, or Iranian ever need to access .GOV or .MIL? And .EDU has to go! Aren't our universities good enough?
And that ICANN lot are talking about adding in a .JOBS, but it's an American company, so why don't you create our own .JOBS TLD and give it so some nice European company? That's much better!
Oh, and your friends in China are complaining, so you should probably also remove .TW.
5. Get everyone to use the new Root Zone.
At first, this seems like the hardest part. But actually, it's not. All you need to do is get all the parliaments in all the countries in the EU to pass laws to force all the ISPs, commercial organizations, academic institutions and private citizens in their countries to use the new DNS root, and make it illegal for them to use any other. After all, if you can legislate for straight bananas, you can do this! For the Chinese and Iranians, it's much easier. If someone complains, they can just execute them. Wouldn't life be easier if you could do that?
6. Sit back and Watch it Burn.
Right, now you've broken the Internet, let's pass a law to set the value of Pi to be 3! That'll make things much better!
Disclaimer: This article is entirely a personal opinion and in no way does it reflect the policies or opinions of my employer. This article is also a work of satire, and not even clever satire at that. So don't take it too seriously.
By Gavin Brown, Chief Technology Officer for CentralNic
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